song on the end of the world

on the day the world ends

a bee circles a clover,

a fisherman mends a glimmering net.

happy porpoises jump in the sea,

by the rainspout young sparrows are playing

and the snake is gold-skinned as it it should always be.

on the day the world ends

women walk through fields under their umbrellas

a drunkard grows sleepy at the edge of a lawn,

vegetable peddlers shout in the street

and a yellow-sailed boat comes nearer the island,

the voice of a violin lasts in the air

and leads into a starry night.

and those who expected lightning and thunder

are disappointed.

and those who expected signs and archangels' trumps

do not believe it is happening now.

as long as the sun and the moon are above,

as long as the bumblebee visits a rose

as long as rosy infants are born

no one believes it is happening now.

only a white-haired old man, who would be a prophet,

yet is not a prophet, for he's much too busy,

repeats while he binds his tomatoes:

no other end of the world there will be,

no other end of the world there will be.

~csezlaw milosz, warsaw, 1944

two thanksgiving's and 6,000 calories later....

welp, i made it through two weeks of teaching. let me tell you, it was one of the toughest things i've ever done. i never realized what hard work it is to be a teacher. the good thing is, i really liked it and i'm going to continue pursuing education as a career option. at the end of the week, the executive director of urban promise asked me to take over for first grade beginning in january. the current first grade teacher is 5 months pregnant, in grad school, and has 2 kids already, so she's taking a leave of absence. so now i have to decide if i want to be a full time teacher for the rest of my m.y. experience. he also asked me to stay and teach next year which is a crazy thought. i'll keep you posted on all the happenings with that. oh yeah, and i'm subbing for kindergarten next week. when it rains, it pours as they say.

thanksgiving was pretty amazing. on thursday we went to our pastor's house for some soul food -- complete with fried turkey, collard greens, homemade mac and cheese. you name it, it was there clogging my arteries. we played games and spent the night there. we watched movies all night long and had the most amazing breakfast in the morning. it felt like home.

on friday we made it over to my neighbor deb's house. she fed us all kinds of great food (that i wasn't even hungry for) and we spent the day hanging out, watching football, and movies. she has been one of my most significant relationships since i've been here. she is simply an amazing person and i was so glad to spend thanksgiving with her and her family in her home.

sorry this is so short. i'll try to write more when i have time (whenever that will be!) and i'll try to post some pics to keep the masses entertained.

love you all!

yikes

i found out today that i'll be substitute teaching for the first grade next week.

i'm terrified but excited at the same time.

pray for me.

pauper's rite of passage

it's no secret i wasn't really looking forward to pauper's rite of passage (prop). i didn't know what to expect, it cut into part of my day off, and in many ways, i was fearful of all the unknowns.

we got to philly in the early evening having not eaten, expecting dinner. chris (who created prop and who has lived in the inner city of philly for over 10 years) gave us a dinner of pbj, a small bag of chips, and a soda. he explained that from his experience on the streets, pbj is a kind of icon to homelessness -- many people will make them and hand them out during food distributions.

we were able to keep 3 items on us for the rest of the weekend (not including underwear, socks, and shoes). we picked out a new outfit from a thrift store which would become our new get-up. i kept my jeans, an undershirt, and my sleeping bag. others kept toothbrushes, pillows, blankets, etc.

that night we watched a film called the homeless home movie. it was pretty old but interesting and worth watching. while we didn't have to sleep on the streets, we did in a way, simulate what it would be like to "squat" in an abandon building. we traveled to a building down the street with no lights and no heat and slept on the ground.

at 6 the next morning, chris woke us up and gave us a breakfast of pbj. (most shelters wake up everyone around 5:30 or 6. if you squat, the police will usually find you in the early morning.) we were given some guidelines for the day: a map of where exactly we could go, we couldn't stay inside for more than 30 minutes, and we weren't to "pretend" to be homeless. If someone asked us, we were to be honest about what we were doing.

we got dropped off at 8 am at various points in downtown philly. i was so exhausted from the night before, i found a park bench and fell asleep. at around 9, my friend, rebekah, found me and told me there was free coffee and donuts being handed out by the library.

there was a big group of homeless gathered around, getting donuts, drinking coffee. i met a few of them and we hung out for awhile. one guy, keith, was really interested in taking care of us and explained that this day was one of the best days to be out. for one thing, it was saturday. most groups come out to serve food on saturdays. for another, it was the 2nd saturday. i'm not sure what the significance of the 2nd saturday is exactly, but even more vans come by and drop off food on these days.

there were so many amazing people i met that day. angel, sonja, john, and fred. angel, kind and with a child-like innocence, gave my friends and i nicknames. (i was linda sleepy-ass because my butt fell asleep from sitting on the concrete.) sonja had a singing voice like snow white and sang us songs about jesus. john, a recovering crack addict, told us stories about life in the prison system and recovering from addiction while living on the streets. and fred, who was definitely my favorite, had been living on the streets for 21 years. we explained to fred that we wanted to hang out and learn, in our limited amount of time, what life on the streets was like. he told us there was and "essence" to life on the streets that you can't get unless you know that it's like to sleep on a bench all night in the dead of winter. but, he said he would help us get a taste of it.

i learned so much from fred. after about the 3rd meal in 2 hours, my friends and i were full and didn't want to stand in line to get more food. "if you wanna know what it's really like," fred said, "then you need to always get in line. if you still don't want your food later, you give it away to someone who missed the handout." he told us stories and totally took care of us. anyone meeting us for the first time would mention what a great and trustworthy guy fred was.

the people i met that day were some the most generous people i've ever met. rebekah noticed an apple that came from a sack lunch handout and casually asked where she could get one. the man she was talking to insisted that she take his even though the bags were a few feet away. people gave us their umbrellas, blanket, coats, everything!

at the end of the day, we had to say goodbye. as i was giving hugs and saying goodbye, one guy pulled me aside and said, "what you all did here today means so much."

what i did today? i hadn't done anything. i sat and ate. all. day. long.

he said, "most people look at us like scum, if they look at us at all." to him, the fact that my friends and i sat with him, were willing to be seen with him, willing to eat with him, share with him, joke with him, even look him in the face, meant more than all the food or money he could have had access to that day.

earlier that morning as i fell in and out of sleep on the park bench, i watched the faces of people walking by. not one person looked me in the eyes. every person did look my direction. i knew they saw me. but instead of looking at me, they looked past me, above me, or at my tired body -- never at me.

later as i was telling my story to katie, i told her about my experience on the bench. she was really upset at the thought of people disregarding me in this way. it made her sad to think that people would treat (or not treat) me like that. if they only knew me, she said, they would never look past me.

her strong emotional response made me think. some of these people don't have families. some of them do. regardless, god sees each of them the same way katie sees me. i can just imagine him saying to me as i uncomfortably ignore a homeless guy on the street, if you only knew him the way i know him....you would never look past him.

i saw jesus in the face of each person i met that day. i saw him more clearly than i've ever seen him before. i saw him in every toothless smile, every worn out expression, every generous act born out of poverty. i will forever be changed.

becoming a friend of silence

two weekends ago, my team, and the rest of the tri-state teams, got together and drove to south new jersey for a solitude retreat. our time together was truly amazing. it was good timing for me because recently i've been reading a lot about solitude and silence. both are hard to come by in the city. working 6 days a week, living with 5 roommates, and chasing around screaming kids don't exactly cultivate an environment for silence and meditation.

this retreat, however, gave us the opportunity to take a step back and spend time doing both. i won't bore you with the details, but something profound, something simple, happened in my heart during our time away. it was just what i needed. we also ate a meal in silence. i felt like a modern day monk (which, believe it or not, is kind of a dream come true for me). even though we didn't communicate with one another in words, i felt deeply connected to my friends and teammates during our mealtime. together we were consciously giving up speaking, seeking to listen to the spirit's urging in our hearts. at the silent lunch it hit me how beautiful it is to be silent with others. i've never been so aware of every bite of food, so thankful for each mouthful, so glad to be sharing a meal with my friends.

it's all really hard to explain, but in many ways i feel obligated to try. i don't want these moments to go unshared, no matter how much is lost in translation.

tonight, we're heading up to philly to do 'pauper's rite of passage'. essentially, we're learning about homelessness and trying to, as much as possible in our limited time, to have solidarity with the homeless. we'll be sleeping on the floor tonight and, from what i understand, tomorrow will be spent fending for ourselves on the streets. i think some pan-handling may be involved. i would be lying if i said i was excited for this weekend. i'm not. i'm confident it will be a profound experience (seems to be the only kind of experience i'm having as of late). i'll let you know how it goes.

'god is the friend of silence. see how nature - trees, flowers, grass - grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence. we need silence to be able to touch souls.' the mother (teresa)

'in the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in an clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. our life is a long and arduous quest after truth.' gandhi

mama linda

sorry for the long delay in communication. my weeks go by so fast here! there's so much to tell that sometimes i get overwhelmed and give up trying all together. but this afternoon i have the computer and some time to myself which is a recipe for successful blog writing.

a lot has happened over the past few weeks. the weather has finally started to cool down and the trees are changing color. i've found a park to go running in which overlooks a river and is enclosed by all kinds of deciduous trees. some mornings the leaves fall like snow. i can't really explain how happy autumn makes me. it's my favorite time of year....and autumn on the east coast definitely doesn't disappoint.

i'm settling into my work sites and getting to know the kids and staff people better. a lot of the newness has started to wear off. not everything the kids do is adorable to me anymore. it's funny though because as the novelty wears off, i sense myself coming to a deeper love for each of these children. i am beginning to see the underlying needs of each child as an individual and as a product of the brokenness in our neighborhoods.

a couple of weeks ago we had an ice cream party at camp and i took some pictures. tymira and sierra (c-c) are two of my favorite kids at camp. they're in second grade and go to the same school. i see them around my neighborhood a lot. have i mentioned yet how everyone in my house calls me "mama linda"? i suppose it's because i'm the oldest and i've have a strong maternal instinct. plus, i'm kinda bossy (in a kind and loving way). anyway, the other day at the park c-c and tymira and i were playing and on our way back to camp they were both hugging on me and tymira said, "you're like my mommy at camp. i'm gonna call you mama linda!" so it's offical....everywhere i go i'm mama linda.

tymira and c-c at the ice cream party

another one of my favorite kids is david. david is seven and he is one of the only english speaking people in his family. he has one of the sweetest spirits of anyone i've ever met. he is the kind of person who seems to have been born genuinely kind and giving. he has the softest voice and rolls all his r's even when he's speaking english. he is such a hard worker and loves to get all of his homework done every day. one day i was talking to some of the kids about getting their homework done and i made them all pinkie swear that they'd work their hardest to get it done. when i got to david, he grabbed my pinkie with his whole hand and had the hugest grin on his face. apparently he'd never learned about pinkie swearing before. i tried to show him that we had to link pinkies but every time i stuck out my pinkie he'd grab it with his whole hand and giggle.

sweet david

alex, also a favorite (i'm not picky, okay?) is in third grade. i work with him every day, one on one, to get his homework done. he has a hard time in school and a hard time concentrating. we work SO hard each day to get his work done. he has a difficulty writing sentences and spelling words. the amazing thing about alex is that he will keep plugging away even though school doesn't come easily to him. he never gets frustrated or down on himself.

alex the heartbreaker

hopefully I'll get the chance to write again soon. there's more i'd love to share. until then, please pray for my kids and the people of wilmington.

what is your poverty?

"how can we embrace poverty as a way to god when everyone around us wants to become rich? poverty has many forms. we have to ask ourselves: what is my poverty?' is it lack of money, lack of emotional stability, lack of a loving partner, lack of security, lack of safety, lack of self-confidence? each human being has a place of poverty. that's the place where god wants to dwell! 'how blessed are the poor,' jesus says (matthew 5:3). this means that our blessing is hidden in our poverty.we are so inclined to cover up our poverty and ignore it that we often miss the opportunity to discover god, who dwells in it. let's dare to see our poverty as the land where our treasure is hidden."

henri nouwen

whip game

i started my work site on monday. i work in a kindergarten classroom from 9:30 - 1:30. the kids are so freaking adorable. i hope i can get some pictures of them soon so everyone can see that when i say adorable, i really mean it. for the most part i just help out. i sit on the carpet during story time and try to keep them quiet or read them stories to fill time for ms. seafelt. i got placed in this particular classroom because, as adorable as they are, they're also little terrors.

the first morning i was there i had to jump in with both feet. i was breaking up fights and explaining that we don't hit each other with big wooden blocks. i had to get very stern with one little boy who was telling the whole class to "shut the f-up" during nap time. for the most part though, i try to exert all my energy into catching them doing something good and giving them lots and lots of praise for that. most of the kids who really act out have pretty awful home lives. one little girl, jaiahna, told me and the rest of the kids at her lunch table that her daddy was in jail. many of them live with only one parent, with their grandparents, or with a legal guardian.

so far, the kids seem to be taking to me well. i have a soft spot in my heart for the ones who act out the most. it makes me sad to think that they've never been taught how to deal with their little six year old emotions. they, like any kid, just want someone to love and accept them, to listen to their stories and their imaginations, to tell them that they're smart and worthwhile, to give them boundaries and kind but firm discipline. as much as i can, i hope i can be one person in their lives to give them some of these things.

on tuesday night, some of us went over to the school to tutor the high school street leaders in the urban promise program. i worked with mariah who was studying for her nursing class. mariah wants to do aids work in africa and work with orphans. i so enjoyed working with her and getting to know her. she has so much to offer and it was good to spend time with her, working hard on homework, and listening to her future plans.

today, i walked down to the bus station to get some more bus tickets for the week. we decided to ride the bus back home. at the transfer in rodney square, (which is kinda like pioneer square. just a central location in the city) someone kept yelling my name. it turned out to be brianna, one of the street leaders in my camp who lives down the street from me. it might sound simple, but running into her made me feel at home. just to have someone yell out my name like they knew me felt good. anyway, i invited her over for dinner tomorrow night. i really hope she comes and that we can begin to develop a stronger friendship over the next year. i know i have lot to learn from her. she's lived in west wilmington her entire life. the other night i was giving her a ride home and she told me she couldn't wait to see my "whip game" which are, apparently, my driving skills. she also explained to me that all the guys in the neighborhood wear similar outfits (jeans and boots, big t-shirts, etc.) so that if someone needs to run from the cops, the police won't be able to distinguish between them. and, she showed me some of the garages and streets where most of the drug trafficking happens. she's going to be a great resource over the year. i'm hoping to get a glimpse into "young" urban culture through her.

philly cheese steaks and a tour of philly

our first week back in wilmington has been fantastic. on monday we took the train up to philly and toured around the city. philadelphia is a beautiful city, full of history, famous landmarks, and cheese steaks. i have to admit, i was intrigued to see what all the fuss was with the cheese steaks, so i had one. it was just okay, but i hear that there are some places that are better than others, so i'm not writing them off yet.

street vendor, home of the philly cheese steak

a completely unflattering shot of me eating my first cheese steak. (jason to my left)

the rest of the week was spent doing training and more training. i'm so sick of being in training! i'm really looking forward to settling into a schedule and having work to do. on thursday we spent the afternoon at our afterschool sites. i got placed at the urban promise site directly next door to our house (which makes my teammates super jealous!) in the mornings i'll be working in a kindergarten classroom and then take the bus home to work with urban promise. on tuesday nights i'll be tutoring high school students who are in urban promise's "street leader" progam, which i'm surprisingly excited for.

church has been AMAZING. we go to "the evangelistic temple of truth" and i don't think i've ever been hugged more in my life on a sunday morning. it is an all black church of about 50 people. we sing gospel spirituals, play tambourines, give testimonies, and hear some major preaching. like i said, these are some of the most welcoming people i've ever met in my life. everyone gives hugs and blesses you. the first sunday we were there the pastor introduced us all by name and welcomed us. he preached on the fatherhood of god and the brotherhood of man. his whole sermon was essentially about loving your brother (and sister!). he wasn't afraid to address the fact that we were the only white people in there which i found strangely comforting.

well, i'm outta time (again!). i'll try to write more next week.

p.s. i posted some pictures on the last blog of our house...

y'all, hotlanta, and life in da hood

it feels like i've been shut off from everything that's not mission year related for weeks! i've gotta make this quick because i only have t minus 55 minutes to do all of my cyberspace catching up. so i'm going to try my best to give you a thumbnail sketch...and i'm not promising literary greatness.

i flew into philly on friday the fifth and met my teammates as well as the other team members in my tri-city area. everyone is really great. there are 6 people (including me) on my team. 3 guys and 3 girls. ashleigh (19) is from virginia, paula (22) is from north carolina, jason (24) is from oklahoma, chris (19) is from california, and bubby (21) is from alabama. pretty much everyone says "y'all" and i feel like i'm developing a slight southern accent due to jason and bubby's influence. i'm stubbornly trying to stick to my roots and refer to gatherings of multiple people as "you guys" but i'm pretty sure "y'all" is starting to take over. sometimes i'll start saying something to the group and i have to think hard about NOT saying y'all. i'm sure everyone back home will be amused to hear the twang i'm slowly developing.

anyway, we had dinner together as a tri-city team and drove back to our new home in wilmington late that night. the first two nights i could barely sleep. partly because i had so much adrenaline and partly because of the time change. the first day we spent putting the house together and cleaning up. it rained a ton that day, so we didn't get out much.

on sunday, we left for our 15 hour drive down to atlanta (or "hotlanta" as southerners like to call it. and, believe me, it is a worthy nickname!) we spent all last week camping at a farm just outside of atlanta meeting all of the team members from each of the mission year cities and going through orientation and training.

camping in hotlanta

we just got back to our cities yesterday morning. the past couple of days we've been exploring the neighborhood, meeting neighbors, and learning to live on the meager stipend m.y. gives to us. so far, i absolutely love wilmington. the people are incredibly friendly and generous. frank, our next door neighbor, is the neighborhood "watchdog" and he knows everything that goes on. one of our first days here he gave us a key to his house just in case something happens. yesterday, paula, chris, and i went for a run by the river. on our way home it was raining again and one of our corner neighbors, freely, walked right out of his house with an umbrella to walk us to our doorstep. we haven't been out a ton, but even in the short amount of time that we've gotten to meet our neighbors, they've been amazing. i can't wait to meet more of them and to be able to have meals with them. i'm really excited to be able to live life with the people in my city.

our new home

yesterday we got our living and food stipends for the month. $17 a week for food and $70 a month for personal care. later, i'm going to write a whole blog about food because there's just so much to say. this whole using the internet once a week thing is going to be really hard for me. i have SO much i want to say and so many thoughts running through my head. watching the clock at the top of my screen tick down drains me of my ability to articulate it all. so i suppose that's it for now. love and miss you all!

baby talk

this is my niece, genevieve. she's probably the cutest kid i've ever seen. (and i see a lot of kids everyday!) sometimes it's still hard for me to believe my sister has a kid. genevieve is such an important addition to our family -- i never could have predicted how much she'd affect all our lives. she's the best.

she's so cute it's ridiculous

alicia and i make this face too

case in point

motherhood agrees with her

california dreamin'

katie and i made it up to san francisco last weekend. it was pretty much a perfect trip. (despite the fact that lindsey was ridiculously under the weather!) even though i've been up to visit linds several times, i haven't had the chance to see this much of sf during my visits.

on saturday morning, we got breakfast at a cute breakfast/brunch spot down the street. we had delightful conversation and delicious food. after breakfast we headed over to golden gate park. the weather was perfect -- clear and 70 most of the day.

katie at the beginning of golden gate park.

next we made it to the japanese tea garden. just like everything we saw that day, the gardens were beautiful. one of the most interesting aspects to the garden was bridge with an over exaggerated arch that you could climb up and down. the japanese architecture and sculpture were great, too!

crazy bridge

lindsey mocking buddha -- real classy

finally, after walking and walking for a few hours, we made it across golden gate park, to the ocean. this is one of my favorite pictures from the trip.

that night we headed out to the mission where we danced to some soul music and made some new friends. here's what that looked like:

our last day was about lounging and walking over the golden gate bridge. again, a beautiful, beautiful day. it was a bit chilly on the bridge, though.


welp, that's pretty much it for now. i hope you're pictured-out. i know i am!

catching up

for those of you who need catching up on my life over the past few months, here's a link to my flickr site. it includes pics from my train trip across the country and a roadtrip to portland with my roommate, katie. it's best to view them as sets because that's the only way i could get them in the right order.

enjoy!

http://flickr.com/photos/lindaanntrue
(here are some teasers)

train trip

thanksgiving in portland